What Choices?

What choice?What Choices?

Warning: Explicit language ahead.

YESSSSSS !!! Coming out from the darkness of the alien attack that’s been inside of my body. The influenza virus attack was strong and it had me down and out but today I woke up and felt the strength and resilience inside me. A deep core material hard wired to survive kind of strength.
No… you will not win this battle. You think you have me but you don’t. You are already dying and I will still be here. I am strong. I am not backing down. You will not win this battle.  You are gone. Out of my body.
This was in my head and I’m listening to it. Whoa. Where did these words come from? I’m sure if I had the strength in that moment to get up and go look in the mirror I would have seen fire burning though my eyes.
Shit.. I had no idea that there was this fire in me. Do I still have a fever? I feel kind of delirious.
My mind wandered to a memory. I went to a yoga class with a friend while in Bali. The teacher teased the hell out of me and he kept saying repeatedly,

“you are strong, but spoiled”

and then he’d laugh like a maniac. I laughed too. It seemed like such a funny thing to say. But I didn’t get what he meant. Not really.
I am rising from the depths of this recent illness but I’m still coughing violently and swearing a lot. I mean I do say “ fuck” now and again but I have been seriously overly ranty like never before. I can’t even have my husband drive me peacefully into town to see the naturopath today without swearing at every reason I could. Then we would both bust up laughing and I’d curse him because laughing makes me cough. Which is why I’m in to see a naturopath for some homeopathic remedy.
I’m rising from the depths of feeling buried in busy-ness too. Bedridden sick for the last 5 days blowing my nose through 3 large boxes of tissues and coughing my brains into oblivion had me review a few things in my life when I was lucid enough.  It’s about all I could do. I couldn’t even read a thing this last week. No chance of catching up on books I want to finish, uh uh. Much less be on any social media. My brain was not functional really.
So I reviewed my life or sat on the sofa because I couldn’t lie down without coughing and watched movie after movie.

It only took an hour for me to let go of judgment around watching television in the daytime.
Hey, I’m sick here, give me a break you fucking inner critic.  Jeez.
Side note: I feel ridiculous to be honest about that above statement. I thought I had worked on my inner critic till the cows came home, but they never come home really. They can sleep fucking standing up after all.
Another side note: see what I mean about the ranty angry strong but spoiled character that’s making an appearance today?
I watched a LOT of movies in the last 5 days. Yup not been out of the house in 5 days. Today was the first. Maybe that anger, fire thing got me moving. I don’t know. I’m just getting to know her and it’s fucking unreal because I used to be a badass punk rock fan rebellious wild child in my 20’s into drugs and Neptunian underworld shit, and then got into yoga life in my 30’s and have up until today thought of myself being all satvic and all. Hmmm. I need to redefine satvic, but another time.
Here’s the quote of the day from todays movie. I watched Rounders with Matt Damon, Edward Norton, John Malkovich. It’s was a hard one to watch. I believe the universe speaks to us in many ways and this is the movie I chose (haha, I chose, ya right) to watch after having a morning meltdown about not wanting to go back to the busy-ness of the life I feel I recently created and asking myself, “what does it take for me to drop the busyness out of my life. What would that look like? Am I still good enough doing NOTHING? I’ve imagined quitting the things that keep me so busy…. my online forays. I mean all the FB and other social media dedications and efforts and just fucking QUIT. Is that being spoiled I wonder?
But focus, focus. My brain is slowly rewiring itself back up from the ashes.
Back to the movie and the quote. Matt is talking to his professor in law. The professor tells him the story of how his parents wanted him to be a rabbi. They are a family of rabbis and he too was to be a rabbi. But at 13 he knew he wasn’t cut out to be a rabbi. He loved the law and wanted to study law. It was devastating to his parents. They couldn’t forgive him.
Matt asks:

 If you had to do it all over again, would you make the same choices?

Response from the professor:

What choice?
The last thing I took away from the Yeshivas is,
We can’t run from who we are.
Our destiny chooses us.

Maybe we can be kinder to ourselves and less judgy if we understand that the universe has our back and that our choices are really guided by something greater, call it destiny or the source, god or whatever. Like a choiceless choice beyond the ego.
And really… what’s the point of fucking judging ourselves for who we are? And why? Why do we judge so much? But that’s another rant. Unless the remedy quells the fire.
But it doesn’t matter about the remedy for the cough. I know the fire is there now. Always there. And like Durga, she rises when she’s needed to fight the demons and restore balance and harmony.
So next time I take a dose of the remedy I’ll be quelling the fire in my chest but not in my heart.

Pay attention
Be curious
Don’t judge

With love and gratitude, 

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With love & gratitude,

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